Greetings from a place that is large and not difficult

Hey, everyone (i.e., Mom),

I was in New Orleans a couple of weeks ago.  New Orleans, Louisiana, NOLA for short.  Nola is also my aunt's name, which might explain her love of beads and jazz, and her hate of hurricanes.  I'm just kidding, I don't know if my aunt hates hurricanes.  My mom's side of the family is, after all, an exceptionally loving group of people, and they do give those hurricanes adorable names.  To read more about hurricane names click here.  I wonder if there has ever been a hurricane Nola.  There's a headline for you: NOLA Ravaged by Nola: Big Easy vs. Big Breazey.


The city is pretty cool for being nearly 300 years old although it's kind of hard to get around.  Actually, come to think of it, most 300-year-olds have problems getting around.  So, I guess I'll cut her some slack.

I ate Gumbo at a restaurant called "Gumbo Shop."  I assume that I could buy shoes at a place called "Shoe Store," and kittens at "Cat Market," and beans at "Bean Place."  I would then put the new shoes on the new kittens and feed them only new beans.  Poor kitties.


I was there for a conference.  A conference aimed specifically at transportation-agency training directors.  A bunch of trainers at a conference is like a bunch of professional scouters on a camp out.  We tend to get a little judgie of the presenters.  "Throwing the koosh ball to get people to participate is so last decade; These tables ought to be in an inverted-U shape to take better advantage of the room dimensions; She just read every word on that slide--Rookie; etc."

The conference felt long, because all conferences feel long to people who cannot concentrate for more than three minutes at a time.  Worse, I had no cell phone to play games on. That's right,  I had to go to New Orleans without my cell phone.  Not bringing one's cell phone to NOLA is number 5 on the list of silly mistakes made by people traveling to the Big Easy.  Here is the rest of the list:

1. Don't go sniffing around Bourbon Street, you will find something stinky.
2. People in NOLA are very friendly while they steal your wallet.
3. The sidewalks are constructed from slate slabs as a way of tripping the very drunk.
4. The water is wide, you cannot cross o'er.
5. You'll need your cell phone at some point.
6. Who Dat?

My phone mysteriously went missing the night before I flew out.  I hunted for it until 3 AM before I finally gave up and slept as a pile of defeated human on the basement couch.  I left two hours later at 5 AM.  I want to blame my kids for losing my phone, but it probably is only their fault because I raised them wrong.  I really needed the phone so that I could communicate with people back where I live without having to pay the equivalent of *choose a metaphor* that they charge for using the hotel room phone.

A cellular phone device would have been handy in the airport on the way home when my plane got delayed and I missed my flight from Atlanta to Salt Lake and had to spend the night--all nine hours of it--in the surprisingly bright, bustling, and frigid Atlanta airport.  I called Buffy on an airport payphone.  Every airport still has exactly one payphone left over from the days when you could give someone a quarter and ask them to call someone who cared.  You can find banks of phone booths, sure, but all of the phones have long been removed except for one, which is located directly in the middle of the airport.  In order to locate the last pay phone, you have to ask an airport cleaning person for directions.  The cleaning person then presents you with three riddles.

Riddle #1: Q. I butt in the lines of fountains, wedge the briefs of the timid, and feed on the weakling's lunch money.  Who am I?  A.  School bully.

Riddle #2: Q.  Like a slow and exacting wind mill, I wave from my face.  I repeat all I know twice per day.  I repeat all I know twice per day. Who am I?  A. A clock.

Riddle #3: Q. Your turn.  A. I walk with four legs in the morning, two at midday, and three in the evening, what am I?  Q.  A person?  A. Yes.

Once you have been led to the phone, you must wait in line for it and must also choose between a red and a green pill that the TSA provides at no additional cost.  Choosing incorrectly will result in your death.

You can use a credit card on the phone.  There is also a loan officer there to approve your credit.

After conquering the nine trolls that guard each individual touch-tone button, I left the following message on my home phone,

"KSHHHHHSHHHVISHSHbuffyI'mnotEEEEEEEEKSHHtomorrowbyaroundFFFFFFLLLLSHHHHseeyouthen."

The phone may have been trying to send a fax.

With no other riddles to answer, trolls to conquer, or tolls to pay,  I put my jacket over my head and sought a place to lie down, not necessarily in that order.

I found a nice, soft, isolated bank of airport seats on which to lie.  I was soon joined by another traveler lying on the adjacent bank of seats.  I knew there was someone there not because I saw that person (my jacket was over my head after all), but because s/he started watching what sounded to me like a Chinese-language movie musical on a laptop.  It must have been good because s/he sang along loudly with each musical number.

I got up and moved to a better place next to an area where the airport's night employees like to take breaks and talk to one another about, you know, life and love.

It didn't matter, because at this point I was very tired.  I slept.  I remember dreaming about earthquakes.  In fact, in one dream a brick wall fell and then a roof caved in--all right on top of me.

When the morning finally arrived, I wandered to my gate.  I passed several people wearing University of Utah gear.  And, although I was not wearing anything that would identify me as a Utahn, I nodded knowingly at one of the gentlemen.  Thinking back, I'm quite sure that he interpreted my nod as code that I had decided to murder his family.   My hair was matted in the back and my eyes were, no doubt, crazed.  Full disclosure: I did not murder his family.  I only killed his cat (after making it wear shoes and eat beans).

It was a nice trip, and yes, I will do it again next Fall.