I have a confession to make. Now, I realize that this confession is going to make me look weird, but here goes. I don't quite get cheerleading.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand what it is: leading cheers, I guess. Wait, that doesn't sound right, maybe I don't get it or understand what it is. Who are they leading into cheer? Maybe it's cheer itself that they are leading, if so, where are they taking it? Cheersaying, cheergiving, or cheermongering are probably more descriptive titles for what cheerleaders do. You've got to admit that announcing "the Cheermongers of such-and-such High School" sounds cool.
I'm pretty sure that I do understand cheerleading competitions, where squads compete with other squads by throwing tiny people in the air. That is easier to "get" because it is competition based on other things that we’re used to seeing in competition form, (i.e., gymnastics, dance, acrobatics, and chanting). Hmmm, excuse me for a moment while I daydream about chanting competitions...
SchmESPN Announcer: Welcome back to SchmESPN’s coverage of this year’s Chanting Competition.
Chanter: Pie jesu domine...
SchmESPN Announcer: (whisper) His form and technique are immaculate.
Chanter: ...dona eis recrefruum pft.
SchmESPN Announcer: Oh, he lost it! Too bad. That’ll cost him the gold.
It’s cheerleading at other sporting events that I don’t quite get. I mean no offense. I have known and really liked lots of cheerleaders. Generally speaking, cheerleaders—at least the former cheerleaders that I am personally acquainted with—are wonderful people. The “mean girl” stereotype that is perpetuated in teen-focused movies and television programs has not held up, in my experience. Still, I don’t understand it. What, exactly, is cheerleading trying to accomplish?
Cheerleaders stand in front of a crowd that has gathered to watch a sporting event. They generally have their backs to the game. They recite simple, repetitive, often ironic, poetry coupled with rudimentary choreography. Then, they jump around kicking and pumping their fists and thrusting their fingers into the air all-the-while wearing, you know, what they wear.
Why?
The most common argument is that they are working to get the crowd excited. Maybe I’m wrong, but isn’t that the game’s job? If the game is exciting then the crowd will be excited. If the game is not exciting, then the crowd will not be excited. This is true no matter how many times the cheer squad asks about the crowd’s collective spirit levels, or if they are ready and okay.
Another argument is that the cheer squad helps to motivate the team. Really? How? Does asking a player to “rebound that basketball” actually translate into someone rebounding that basketball? I'm not so sure that it does.
Cheer squad: Rebound that basketBALL!
Player: Wait, what did they say?
Cheer squad: Rebound that basketBALL!
Player: Oh yeah. I forgot. I should rebound that basketball.
Cheer squad: Yay!
If we have to have cheerleaders at all (yes, I said IF), I would like to go back to the original cheerleading—the kind from the 1920s where one guy was selected and given a sweater with a letter on it, which he wore with a bow tie and slacks. He was also issued an old-timey megaphone, through which he’d shout in a nasally, monophonic voice as he’d run up and down the stands expounding the virtues of fighting and winning and the stock market never crashing.
Old-timey cheerleader: We’re gonna fight, see?
Crowd: Hurrah!
Old-timey cheerleader: We’re gonna win, see?
Crowd: Hurray!
Old-timey cheerleader: The stock market is strong and a good place to put all of your money, see?
Crowd: HeeHaw!
Maybe this critique is a bit harsh. No doubt it takes talent to be a cheerleader. You have to have rhythm, a good memory, a positive attitude, some amount of athletic ability, etc. And, cheerleading provides an activity that beautiful people can participate in (something this world is in short supply of).
So, in order to help me better understand cheerleading, I have penned a cheer. Feel free to use it any time you or your team needs motivation and excitement.
Ready? O-Kay!
Schmelta is the team!
The team that has enough!
Enough of the right stuff! (Enough of the right stuff!)
Stuff to illicit screams!
Screams from other teams!
Those teams need salves and creams! (those teams need salves and creams)
Creamed is just about right!
Last rights!
It’s over goodnight.
I still don’t get it.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
GRAMA's House Bill is Outrageous!
The state of Schmutah just finished it's annual legislative session. One of the things that passed through the bowels and/or bladder of the legislative process was a bill that limits access to public records. It specifically makes text messages of state personnel and officials un-accessible, it does other things too. It is being panned by media outlets nation wide as an anti-open-government bill.
To defend the measure, legislators site how local media groups (mostly TV "investigative reporters") have been spending a lot of their time recently getting records from public agencies in order to uncover some malfeasance, "witch hunts" was one of the terms used to describe it. You'll remember trinket-gate. State agencies were spending dozens of tax payer dollars buying cheaply made trinkets to give away at career fairs! I'll never forget the ominous music underlying the grainy, close-up shot of the three-inch, foam hard hat. Scary stuff.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I am a state employee and I personally have a state-issued cellular phone device AND have given away cheaply made trinkets at career fairs, including three-inch, foam hard hats.
Also, the text messages that are on my state-owned phone would be among those that would be protected by this law. I feel a lot of guilt about hiding these text messages from media sources, what with the content of the messages being state property and all. In order to rectify this situation, I am going to list all of the text messages in my cell phone queue (names have been changed--except for one guy whose name is Danny).
I will list them in order from oldest to most recent.
I will label each message with an I or an O. I=incoming (meaning someone sent it to me); O=outgoing (I sent it).
Where needed, I will use [brackets] to provide context, which is a major up-grade from those GRAMA-requested, no-context messages that the media is always clamoring for.
Now, let us begin.
I: Were you able to connect with Rod?
I: Were you able to connect with Rod?
O: You must have the wrong number.
I: It's already packed :) [I do not remember the context of this message.]
O: Did you find your PJs? [I do remember this context and it's none of your business]
O: alskdfnaoicvnaoisdnflq;werlfnasdncvoaidnf aosdfnqwoeinfadovnascandifadlfo [outgoing message courtesy of my 3-year-old daughter, Kitty]
I: I'd like to send you messages using HeyTell click here to sign up.[Spam text]
O: Dootdoodoot dooodoo dooodoo...Square One!
I: LOL! I forgot about square one.
I: Danny? [apparently a man named Danny used to have my phone number, he still gets a good number of texts, I usually ignore them]
I: Salt City Burger Co.: Get $5 off when your guest check is over $15 at Salt City Burger. Reply STOP to cancel. [Spam text, probably set up by Danny]
O: STOP
I: All...Schmeve Schmayne (old Bishop) is moving this Sat at 9 AM any help you can render would be much appreciated.
O: Did you guys end up taking the foosball table? Buffy wants it if you guys don't.
I: U can come play it any time ud like :) hahahaha.
I: EQ temple day tomorrow 530 am meet at church south parking lot by Bishop's door.
I: Danny, Long time no communication. I hope all is well for u. Question for u. Do u work for American Express? Schmott
O: Wrong numbwe, not Danny. [yes, I misspelled number as numbwe]
O: Schmrent, have you heard back about your job interview with traffic?
O: Two sick kids, wife has appts this morning. I'll be in after lunch if that's ok.
I: Hi professor Schmurdock, Schmack Schmoffet here, I'm in your HRM class tonight and I was out last week. I just wanted to see if I missed important info on a take home test that I heard rumor of. Thanks!
There you have it. Open and fair government at its finest.
To defend the measure, legislators site how local media groups (mostly TV "investigative reporters") have been spending a lot of their time recently getting records from public agencies in order to uncover some malfeasance, "witch hunts" was one of the terms used to describe it. You'll remember trinket-gate. State agencies were spending dozens of tax payer dollars buying cheaply made trinkets to give away at career fairs! I'll never forget the ominous music underlying the grainy, close-up shot of the three-inch, foam hard hat. Scary stuff.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I am a state employee and I personally have a state-issued cellular phone device AND have given away cheaply made trinkets at career fairs, including three-inch, foam hard hats.
Also, the text messages that are on my state-owned phone would be among those that would be protected by this law. I feel a lot of guilt about hiding these text messages from media sources, what with the content of the messages being state property and all. In order to rectify this situation, I am going to list all of the text messages in my cell phone queue (names have been changed--except for one guy whose name is Danny).
I will list them in order from oldest to most recent.
I will label each message with an I or an O. I=incoming (meaning someone sent it to me); O=outgoing (I sent it).
Where needed, I will use [brackets] to provide context, which is a major up-grade from those GRAMA-requested, no-context messages that the media is always clamoring for.
Now, let us begin.
I: Were you able to connect with Rod?
I: Were you able to connect with Rod?
O: You must have the wrong number.
I: It's already packed :) [I do not remember the context of this message.]
O: Did you find your PJs? [I do remember this context and it's none of your business]
O: alskdfnaoicvnaoisdnflq;werlfnasdncvoaidnf aosdfnqwoeinfadovnascandifadlfo [outgoing message courtesy of my 3-year-old daughter, Kitty]
I: I'd like to send you messages using HeyTell click here to sign up.[Spam text]
O: Dootdoodoot dooodoo dooodoo...Square One!
I: LOL! I forgot about square one.
I: Danny? [apparently a man named Danny used to have my phone number, he still gets a good number of texts, I usually ignore them]
I: Salt City Burger Co.: Get $5 off when your guest check is over $15 at Salt City Burger. Reply STOP to cancel. [Spam text, probably set up by Danny]
O: STOP
I: All...Schmeve Schmayne (old Bishop) is moving this Sat at 9 AM any help you can render would be much appreciated.
O: Did you guys end up taking the foosball table? Buffy wants it if you guys don't.
I: U can come play it any time ud like :) hahahaha.
I: EQ temple day tomorrow 530 am meet at church south parking lot by Bishop's door.
I: Danny, Long time no communication. I hope all is well for u. Question for u. Do u work for American Express? Schmott
O: Wrong numbwe, not Danny. [yes, I misspelled number as numbwe]
O: Schmrent, have you heard back about your job interview with traffic?
O: Two sick kids, wife has appts this morning. I'll be in after lunch if that's ok.
I: Hi professor Schmurdock, Schmack Schmoffet here, I'm in your HRM class tonight and I was out last week. I just wanted to see if I missed important info on a take home test that I heard rumor of. Thanks!
There you have it. Open and fair government at its finest.
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