You may or may not know this about me, but I am not a fan of political parties (I prefer parties that are off the chain, dawg!). I don't particularly like the Democrats, the Republicans, the Libertarians, the Greens, the Nazis, the media, or the social media at the moment.
I engage in politics similarly to the way I consume the NFL. I prefer players to teams. If I like a particular player, I'll watch him, follow him, maybe vote for him, but I'm not going to get all caught up in the team he plays for. I understand when folks fall in love with a team, but that's not me. Because, what if my team just ends up stinking and gets all filled up with murderers and domestic violence perpetrators (the way all teams in the NFL have)? What then? Am I stuck? Do I have to defend my team or look the other way because it is my team? Why would I do that?
So, anyhoo, I saw this picture yesterday and I felt like it needed some commentary:
Notwithstanding the sweet headband, assault rifle, and stack of cash; I think it's a fake republican jesus (I'm using lower-case here to avoid confusion with the real, unaffiliated Jesus (i.e.,Creator, Savior of mankind)). The best proof that this is a fake republican jesus is on the GOP sign he gently holds--it has a sticky note on it that says "1 percent." Republicans don't like dealing in that small of a number--they drink either whole or skim. Either they want the milk fat as nature intended, whole, or they don't want milk fat at all--middle ground is contemptible.
I guess I could also quibble with the use of "Greedy Oligarch Puppet" on the GOP sign instead of "Grand Ol' Party," but what's a grand ol' party without greedy oligarch puppets?
The more I look at the republican jesus photo--it's a photo, right?--the more I wonder if this photo got mixed up with other photos of various jesuses. I think this might be a Democrat jesus. He's obviously not comfortable with that gun that he meekly wrested from Charleton Heston's cold, dead hands; also, he's about to mildly hand out a stack of cash for no real reason with no apparent accountability.
The meme is very clear about what republican jesus would do. Obviously, he'd blamelessly do at least the following:
1. Cut food stamps (food stamps stretch further when you cut them, but they still taste the same; I don't like eating stamps--even the food kind)
2. Gut affordable healthcare (republicans love to pay a lot for healthcare--especially healthcare for your gut)
3. Demonize the homeless (demons do better in the homeless than in swine)
4. Block equality rights (blocking two equality rights doesn't make a wrong!)
I'm pretty sure republican jesus would also tenderly do the following:
5. Act like a spoiled child when he doesn't get his way
6. Be a hypocrite saying and doing one thing when out of power and another thing when in power
7. Own an assault rifle, and fantasize about shooting someone, and then actually shoot someone
So, what would Democrat jesus justly do?
1. Not believe in real Jesus--except for using Him as a tool to justify anything
2. Be disturbed to the point of hysterics by anything presented from the "other side"
3. Lose a bunch of recent elections
4. Eat at trendy restaurants and kill babies
5. Watch (and maybe appear in) Portlandia
6. Talk about feeding the poor; try to make other people give money to large, non-profit groups that feed the poor; and feel outraged when large, non-profit groups turn out to be taking most of the money (substitute "care for the sick" and "shelter the homeless")
7. Use equality as a way to divide.
8. Make a music video telling everyone that they should vote (but he won't say for whom you should vote--that's private--but it should be a democrat)
Don't even get me started on what Libertarian and Green party jesuses would meekly and mildly do.
