Here is that story I wanted to tell two posts ago, but didn't because I couldn't stop talking about feudal chair societies. As it turns out the story is not that great. Oh well, here it is:
I was on a plane last month, just minding my own business when the flight attendant offered the person next to me a beverage. That person asked for water. The attendant filled a cup with ice, then added water. As she was handing the water to the person, the cup and its contents fell from her hand. As a result, the ice and water spilled forth out of the cup and landed safely on me.
This was very lucky for the attendant because I'm really nice, and I like it when weird things happen to me.
That's all. Not the best story, I know.
Oh, I forgot to mention that the place where the water and ice landed on me and the way it soaked certain parts of my clothing was... well, let's just say that I haven't sported that particular wetness pattern since first grade. Luckily, back then I wore Toughskin jeans, which, I think, were manufactured out of plastic because if you ever got them too hot they would melt, literally. Wet or dry, Toughskins looked the same.
This time I was wearing blue jeans. And, as I inspected myself, I realized that no matter what had actually happened on that plane--to the people I would encounter over the next several minutes--I had essentially wet my pants. The signs were unmistakable, a dark patch that started in the central pant region and spread outwardly in a circular pattern.
I calculated how much longer I would be airborne before having to deplane. Was there enough time to dry?
It would be close.
I took solace in the fact that I was heading to Seattle. The only better city in the Western United States for wetting one's pants: Portland. Surely, neither the hippies nor the nerds would judge me harshly for my apparent bladder-control issues, I imagined.
The plane landed. I stood. I deplaned.
For some reason, as I wandered through the SEA-TAC airport, doing my best to stagger as if I were drunk--thus giving plausible reason for grown-man-wet-pants--the old jingle for Pull-ups repeated in a continuous loop in my head, "Mommy, wow! I'm a big kid now."
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Glory be to KFC
Hello, Folks,
This is one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. We'll need to talk about this when you're done viewing. Meet me below.
Ok. Um...I'm not sure where to begin. I want to first and foremost say, WOW! This is simultaneously the best/worst, most awesome/terrible thing I've ever seen. The performance (i.e., voice, passion, timbre, verve, etc.) is amazing. The words (i.e., what she's saying) are crazy.
A few favorites:
This chicken died that we might live.
Breastesses!
I wanna be thick for you, Lord.
Don't let me die skinny.
The sheer number of times she says, "mac and cheese"
As I think about it though, I am not appalled by this song. I am in fact weirdly endeared to it. This woman loves chicken. She also loves Jesus. Her life's activities, even the mundane aren't separate from her spiritual life. I like that.
So tonight, when I eat my chicken, rice, mac and cheese, and collard greens. I am going to turn my thoughts to the chicken who gave its life for me.
Then I will think of my Savior.
Mmmm. Finger-licking-goodness.
This is one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. We'll need to talk about this when you're done viewing. Meet me below.
Ok. Um...I'm not sure where to begin. I want to first and foremost say, WOW! This is simultaneously the best/worst, most awesome/terrible thing I've ever seen. The performance (i.e., voice, passion, timbre, verve, etc.) is amazing. The words (i.e., what she's saying) are crazy.
A few favorites:
This chicken died that we might live.
Breastesses!
I wanna be thick for you, Lord.
Don't let me die skinny.
The sheer number of times she says, "mac and cheese"
As I think about it though, I am not appalled by this song. I am in fact weirdly endeared to it. This woman loves chicken. She also loves Jesus. Her life's activities, even the mundane aren't separate from her spiritual life. I like that.
So tonight, when I eat my chicken, rice, mac and cheese, and collard greens. I am going to turn my thoughts to the chicken who gave its life for me.
Then I will think of my Savior.
Mmmm. Finger-licking-goodness.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Have a Seat
Hey, y'all,
It's been a while since we've talked. Do you have a minute? Good. Have a seat. Yes, I know you're already sitting. I just wanted to give you this chair. I want you to have this seat. No, you won't have to take it anywhere. Let's just leave it where it is, but both of us will know it's yours now. Good. You now have a seat.
Can I tell you a quick story? No? Why? No time for stories? Why, then, did you take my seat? I want that seat to belong to a person who has leisure time. No, no, it's yours. I can't take it back now, your ownership is all over it.
It's okay, I'm not sad. It's just been a stressful day, and now I own one fewer chair than I did just a minute ago. Well, where I come from the number of chairs one owns establishes that person's status. Why do you think I offered you a seat? I was just being polite. You didn't have to take it. I have never actually taken a seat when offered one. It's kind of rude. No, no, I don't want the seat back.
I can't take it back. Please don't have me arrested. I can't take it back from you; you are a very powerful seat owner that has so many chairs that you've even got one at my house. Yes, I know I just gave it to you, but your status has changed. You're way better than me now. I am your serf, taking care of your property, and I'm grateful for the opportunity.
What? NO! It's too much. I can't just be granted ownership of all of the seats in your house. That is the most generous offer anyone has ever made, but I couldn't. Oh, please don't insist. Well, okay. I will accept your seats. I am humbled.
Ok. Now that I own all of your seats, I need you to send them over to my house. I am taking your seats. They are mine and I demand that you relinquish your seats to me! All of them: past, present, and future! How dare you refuse me? I could have you imprisoned for such insubordination!
I'm sorry. I've not been the most benevolent dictator. Although ownership of your seats gives me full control over your life and property, I have behaved rudely. I will appoint you to a council position in one of my seat properties. Let's see, my vast empire of seats stretches from my house to your house.
Ah, I have it! You will sit on the council governing the toilets at your home. What? Don't you need to sit on a toilet from time to time? Well, I have granted you access as chair of the toilet council. How dare you! Yes, I know I said "how dare you" once before, but I don't know how you keep daring. I have the power to revoke your privileges for both numbers 1 and 2, so mind your Ps and Qs. Ha ha! That's funny--you know what the P stands for, but what about the Q. Clever. Oh, I can never stay mad at you, my humble companion and servant.
What's that? You're ready for my story now? Ok. Have a seat and I'll...oh you clever sprite. I see what you've done. You just tricked me into offering you a seat. And, I fell for it! Oh, don't deny it. You are a crafty little wizard. Well, I suppose this means we are back on equal ground.
Now, about that story...
end scene
It's been a while since we've talked. Do you have a minute? Good. Have a seat. Yes, I know you're already sitting. I just wanted to give you this chair. I want you to have this seat. No, you won't have to take it anywhere. Let's just leave it where it is, but both of us will know it's yours now. Good. You now have a seat.
Can I tell you a quick story? No? Why? No time for stories? Why, then, did you take my seat? I want that seat to belong to a person who has leisure time. No, no, it's yours. I can't take it back now, your ownership is all over it.
It's okay, I'm not sad. It's just been a stressful day, and now I own one fewer chair than I did just a minute ago. Well, where I come from the number of chairs one owns establishes that person's status. Why do you think I offered you a seat? I was just being polite. You didn't have to take it. I have never actually taken a seat when offered one. It's kind of rude. No, no, I don't want the seat back.
I can't take it back. Please don't have me arrested. I can't take it back from you; you are a very powerful seat owner that has so many chairs that you've even got one at my house. Yes, I know I just gave it to you, but your status has changed. You're way better than me now. I am your serf, taking care of your property, and I'm grateful for the opportunity.
What? NO! It's too much. I can't just be granted ownership of all of the seats in your house. That is the most generous offer anyone has ever made, but I couldn't. Oh, please don't insist. Well, okay. I will accept your seats. I am humbled.
Ok. Now that I own all of your seats, I need you to send them over to my house. I am taking your seats. They are mine and I demand that you relinquish your seats to me! All of them: past, present, and future! How dare you refuse me? I could have you imprisoned for such insubordination!
I'm sorry. I've not been the most benevolent dictator. Although ownership of your seats gives me full control over your life and property, I have behaved rudely. I will appoint you to a council position in one of my seat properties. Let's see, my vast empire of seats stretches from my house to your house.
Ah, I have it! You will sit on the council governing the toilets at your home. What? Don't you need to sit on a toilet from time to time? Well, I have granted you access as chair of the toilet council. How dare you! Yes, I know I said "how dare you" once before, but I don't know how you keep daring. I have the power to revoke your privileges for both numbers 1 and 2, so mind your Ps and Qs. Ha ha! That's funny--you know what the P stands for, but what about the Q. Clever. Oh, I can never stay mad at you, my humble companion and servant.
What's that? You're ready for my story now? Ok. Have a seat and I'll...oh you clever sprite. I see what you've done. You just tricked me into offering you a seat. And, I fell for it! Oh, don't deny it. You are a crafty little wizard. Well, I suppose this means we are back on equal ground.
Now, about that story...
end scene
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