Excerpt 2

Here is another excerpt from those essays I told you about. This one is also aimed at boys and is about how to understand girls.

Peace
Your girl is happiest when she is at peace. Peace comes to her when her safety is secure and when conflicts that inevitably arise are minimized. Think of yourself as your girl’s peacemaker. A peacemaker is someone who can astutely handle conflict. Peace making is a trait that, as a boy, you are not likely schooled in. Nevertheless, you actually can be good at this. But first, a little something about conflict styles.

War and Peace
Boys are warriors at heart. That is why you like swords, guns, clubs, large vehicles, contests of wit, contests of strength, contests of skill, and contests of machismo. That is also why you know how to sketch the rank insignia of an army sergeant.

You are basically wired to engage in conflict. That does not mean that you necessarily like conflict, it just means that you often handle conflict quickly and decisively. For boys, conflict is often short-lived. There is (a) a disagreement, (b) an altercation, (c) an airing of grievance(s), and (d) a resolution. This can happen quickly or take some time, but once it is over—and cooler heads have prevailed—it’s over.

Girls are not generally like this. To girls, conflict can be emotionally engrossing. Girls do not tend to air grievances in straightforward confrontations. In stead, girls quite often confine conflicts to psychological battlegrounds. Conflict for girls can be stressful and emotionally encompassing. Your style of conflict is probably different than your girl’s. Think of it this way, the military employs combat units to fight on the front lines. There are also men and women that gather intelligence—you are front lines, your girl is intelligence.

Boys tend to think of girls as unschooled in conflict. This is stupid. Think of the difference between fisticuffs in the park and two kung fu masters battling for dominance—you are fisticuffs, your girl is kung fu master.

But, wait! you say, she gets all emotional and irrational when we disagree. How is she a kung fu master? Are you worried that your girl was called a master of kung fu, when probably she is simply a practitioner? Yes, you sullenly nod. Good point—it is taken back. See, conflict resolved. Boys know how to do this.

The reason kung fu was used as a metaphor to describe your girl is because of the amount of effort and attention to detail that girls put into a conflict. Your girl is paying closer attention than you are when you disagree. This means that she will notice, and remember, almost everything you say. Your instinct in conflict is generally to try to overpower. Your girl, on the other hand, will elude, counter, and eventually find and exploit your weaknesses. If you are sloppy your girl will… well, you cannot afford to be sloppy.

You and your girl want peace. Even when engaging in conflict, the eventual goal is to (re)establish peace. To you, as a boy, peace happens when conflict is resolved. The same is true for your girl, but the resolution of conflict from a boy’s perspective compared to a girl’s perspective is quite different.

Boy
Conflict is resolved when:
Grievances are aired
Challengers capitulate or convince
Conflict ends
Treaty is reached

Girl
Conflict is resolved when:
Emotions are aired
Emotions are purged
Challenger understands
Time passes with no further incidence.

Notice that you, as a boy, are focused on resolution of the conflict with some kind of tangible solution. You want some sort of action to be taken. Tangible solutions are important to your girl too, but they are not as important as being understood. In fact, to your girl the goal of conflict may not be to come up with a solution. Your girl’s goal may be to simply achieve understanding.

So, when conflict arises you should do your best to understand your girl. Say things that will help her to know that you are beginning to understand. Things like, “really? I didn’t know that” will save both of you extra effort and stress. Realize now, that this will take longer than you want it to take. But, rest assured, it will save time in the long run.

Also, realize that you should not feign understanding. She will quiz you and you will be exposed and she will no longer trust that you really, truly understand her. If she doesn’t trust that you really, truly understand her, she will have to take steps to rebuild trust. You do not want her to take steps.

However, there may come a time when you can’t understand. Imagine that your girl’s point of view on a particular issue is so very different from yours that you cannot possibly get it—ever. When it becomes apparent that this is the case, your only hope is to convince your girl that you love her and wish with everything that you are that you could understand. It might go like this:

Scene 1.
Girl: …but without eight new, full sets of china the Earth will be destroyed.
Boy: Huh? I don’t understand.
Girl: You’re not trying.
Boy: I am trying, I promise, I just don’t see how the destruction of the Earth is tied to our lacking a set of china.
Girl: If you can’t see it, then you are truly blind.
[Boy now realizes he cannot possibly understand]
Boy: You know I love you right? [He pauses as he waits for her reply]
Girl: Maybe.
Boy: I am trying to understand, but I am not sure I can. And, until I can understand, I’m just not comfortable committing that kind of money. I just feel like both of us should be completely on board. Do you see where I’m coming from?
End Scene 1

There is an off chance that she will see where you are coming from, because now you are speaking your girl’s language. Notice that this is not a resolution. The issue still persists. You, as a boy, will want to ask, so we’re not getting china, right? Do not ask this. The answer is that it is extremely probable that you are not getting china, but the idea of getting china (and saving the Earth) is still a possibility for your girl. Let it be a possibility. It’s not hurting anyone. Understanding is achieved, and that is what is important. At this point a tangible solution is not necessary. Let it go. If you do not let it go, you will get china.

Managing conflict well will help you provide peace for your girl. To effectively do this you must commit to becoming a peacemaker. Raise your right arm and take the following oath:

Oath 1.
I, (state your name), do hereby declare myself a peacemaker and defender of tranquility. I declare to all that I will make peace in conflict, keep peace in times of peace, and handle complaints, grievances, gripes, beefs, bellyaches, and dust-ups with care to ensure a quick return to peace. Peace.

You are now, officially, an officer of the peace. Note: this title neither grants its holder authority to arrest disturbers of the peace nor does it enable the foresworn to issue citations.

Now that you are a certified peacemaker, you can begin to look at places where peace should be made.