Category Five

I just read that a certain Hurricane Rick is threatening a resort town in Mexico. I am not sure how I feel about this. On one hand I like that my name is being referred to as "a category five." An opinion I have long shared. But, on the other hand, I am nervous that this hurricane could ruin my name for good.

Oh, come on, you say, who has ever heard of a hurricane ruining someone's name?

To which I reply, just ask someone named Katrina, Mitch, or Ike.

To which you reply, oh.

Then we look at each other all sad and you say, It was nice knowing you, Rick. You say my name with a lot of respect as if it might just be the last time. Somewhere in the distance a lone bugler plays Taps.

Scene.



See what I mean? Why do they have to give hurricanes human names at all? Is it because people weren't identifying enough with hurricanes and tropical storms? They had to some how humanize them? So when one destroys your village, you can cry out in wrath at the weather pattern Donald? Curse you Donald! I'm sure, before going with human names, they tried adding googly eyes, but it's impossible to make those things stick on what is essentially a severe storm.

Not long ago, they only used female names--or so I'm told by the comic strip I am about to plagerize. I think it was because they are called HURricanes not HIMicanes (bada bing!)*. After a while they depleted the supply of good female names. Of course, this was before people started making up their own female names like JaQuiah and De'Lynn and Thuthan* and Molarkie and Mary.

So, now there is a whole new crop of female names that they could choose from. Unfortunately, I doubt they would go back and change Hurricane Rick to Hurricane Ryertilldason though (I am also not sure what kind of hormone regimen it would take for a hurricane to change genders. The surgery would be expensive, and there aren't a lot of meteorologists willing to do it).

Maybe someday they will have to add last names to the hurricane names. I like this idea, because there is an off chance that the following headline could appear:

East Coast Besieged by Barbara Walters

The first line of the article could be, "Hindsight is 20/20, but the view from Raleigh is less than the most intriguing celebrities would like to see on an Oscar weekend special, ABC news reported."

Why Barbara Walters? I don't know.

Anyway, if you're listening, hurricane Rick, with your humanized category-five senses. I wish you no success as a hurricane. May you peter out in the end like all Ricks I know...

So, um, that's all.


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*Hurricane joke from a comic strip called Adam's Apples. Thuthan as a female name from Rochelle Hulme Woolston.