My Debut

Last week I got a call from someone who had gotten a call from KJZZ TV, a local television station that was created as the broadcasting home of The Shmutah Scmazz. They were looking for a couple of vocalists to sing a song on a locally produced show called the Joseph Smith Papers. It is a religious program that examines the writings of the Mormon founder Joseph Smith. I have noticed the marketing and therefore the existence of the program, but have never watched it.

The song was to be a duet, me and another guy, of a hymn penned by Eliza R. Snow. They sent me the music the night before the taping. It was a photocopy from the 1844 edition of the LDS Hymnal. They told me to wear a dark suit and tie and to come to the Assembly Hall at Temple Square at 1:00 PM the next day. That night I learned my part (the upper line).

When I got there they told me that I was no longer singing a duet, but a solo. And they had another song for me to do, A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief. They said, "we want all seven verses, a cappella. Oh, and here is the music. It is the original tune, not the one you find in the current hymnal, but one that is sort of like it, but completely different. We will start taping in .03 seconds, so please learn the music and ... action!" (I may have been paraphrasing by the end of the quote).

Anyone that knows me, knows that much of my musical talent is faked, ur... I mean...natural. I am very good at following musical lines. Singing with a piano, or in an ensemble, no problem. But, I am not a particularly good sight-reader under pressure (not horrible, but definitely not perfect) . Those that know me also know that I have very poor eyesight.

Those same people that know me, if they know anything about TV might also know that squinting and looking panicked as your withered and myopic eyes dart from the fifth, sixth, and seventh verse texts (printed neatly in stanzas at the bottom of the page) to the unfamiliar music lines is not an ideal TV look. In fact, I don't think they like you covering your face--even if it is so that you can see the music and lyrics.

I felt a bit like a 98 year-old man trying to read a cereal box, then sing the words from the cereal box to the tune of the theme from Murder She Wrote while trying not to think of theme from Matlock.

After two attempts at the second verse, I said, "I am not going to be able to do this today."

They said they understood and that they would call me back after I'd had time to learn the music.

I'm not holding my breath.

The Eliza R. Snow song was ok, but just ok. Therefore, I will not let you know when they air the episode.