Hey, people who read this blog:
I finished the first draft of my novel! It's done!
It's called Convergence and it took me two-and-a-half years to write. It is 315 pages and 74,000 words long, which I'm told is regular novel size.
It is about a man who at one moment is sitting at work, in his cubicle, day dreaming, and then suddenly is standing on a grassy knoll on his Grandfather's farm in Scotland. Only problem is that he doesn't have any Grandfathers who own farms in Scotland. Wait. Yes he does. At least, now he does.
The story is about this man trying to figure out what has happened and how to get home. Spoiler alert: everyone is dead all along (just kidding--maybe).
I got the idea in the summer of 2009 as I sat in my cubicle daydreaming about what my life would have been like had my great, great Grandfather not immigrated to Utah with the Mormon pioneers in 1861, but instead had stayed in Scotland.
If I were assigning a genre to the story it would be GENEALOGICAL THRILLER (kidding again, sort of).
Really, I tried to take the story seriously, but also tried to give the characters good senses of humor. So I'd say it's an adult contemporary comedy.
I am not sure what to do with it now. Any suggestions?
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Dad
Hello. My Dad would have turned 82 years old on February 8 of this year. So, I suppose a happy birthday is in order. Happy Birthday, Dad.
He died in 2003--just after Christmas. I remember the last time I saw him before the stroke, he was waving good bye to me from the passenger seat of the car as he and Mom backed down the driveway, headed to meet Grandma Schmalley in some small southern Schmutah town.
That day had been a fun day. He had been in remarkably good spirits--in hindsight I wonder if he knew that something was going to happen. It was almost like he understood that the chronic pain he had been dealing with was nearly at an end or something.
He and I spent about an hour in the shop he'd built in the backyard of our familial home--the home that he had built using recycled railroad houses. He contracted to tear down the railroad houses, then he cleaned up and re-used the materials to build our house. He did almost all of the building work on the house himself--and even now, in many ways, that house is a physical representation of him--it is missing his signature mustache, but still.
He was particularly funny that day. Silly even. Jokes and smiles came easily and often. I remember him sitting at the head of the table looking at me and Buffy, his wife, our six-month-old son Ike. He loved us.
Eight years later, it's hard to believe he's gone. In most ways I have dealt with it and moved on, but sometimes I miss him, and other times I wish I missed him more often.
Anyway, I assume my Dad is currently working on a mansion--probably built from old railroad mansions that he tore down and recycled. I hope (the kind of religious hope that focuses on Christ's ability to save) to see him again one day and get reacquainted.
Until then, Happy Birthday, Dad.
He died in 2003--just after Christmas. I remember the last time I saw him before the stroke, he was waving good bye to me from the passenger seat of the car as he and Mom backed down the driveway, headed to meet Grandma Schmalley in some small southern Schmutah town.
That day had been a fun day. He had been in remarkably good spirits--in hindsight I wonder if he knew that something was going to happen. It was almost like he understood that the chronic pain he had been dealing with was nearly at an end or something.
He and I spent about an hour in the shop he'd built in the backyard of our familial home--the home that he had built using recycled railroad houses. He contracted to tear down the railroad houses, then he cleaned up and re-used the materials to build our house. He did almost all of the building work on the house himself--and even now, in many ways, that house is a physical representation of him--it is missing his signature mustache, but still.
He was particularly funny that day. Silly even. Jokes and smiles came easily and often. I remember him sitting at the head of the table looking at me and Buffy, his wife, our six-month-old son Ike. He loved us.
Eight years later, it's hard to believe he's gone. In most ways I have dealt with it and moved on, but sometimes I miss him, and other times I wish I missed him more often.
Anyway, I assume my Dad is currently working on a mansion--probably built from old railroad mansions that he tore down and recycled. I hope (the kind of religious hope that focuses on Christ's ability to save) to see him again one day and get reacquainted.
Until then, Happy Birthday, Dad.
New Tradition
Last year, for Valentine's Day, my son and I created a Valentine box that looked like an Imperial Walker or AT AT from the Star Wars movies. See it here. We continued the tradition this year by creating a TIE FIGHTER. Yes, it is on a stand to create the illusion of flight. And no, we are not sure what the Empire's vehicles have to do with Valentine's day, but...whatever.
Friday, January 27, 2012
MLK
I found a sheet of paper with my daughter Mimi's (names have been changed) handwriting on it. She was writing down the things that she had learned about Martin Luther King Jr. I have added some punctuation, but have preserved the original spellings from the sheet. She's a first grader and is still getting the hang of spelling.
This was not an assignment for school, she wrote it to preserve what she had learned. I like what she wrote. A transcript follows:
"Martin luther king Jr. was a very good man. They youst to have bad rulse. Brown scin at one school, light scin at the other school. Colrd at one dringking fountin, wite at the other one.
"People codint sit by the People they want'd to sit by. Dark scin at the Back of the Bus; light scin at the front. Martin luther king Jr. wated to make right rulse. He chang'd the rulse so no one was left out. He went to wahntin DC to give his Big long speach. He said in his speach all PeoPle can go in same school; evry one can share a Drinking fountin; PeoPle can sit wereever they want on the Bus.
"Martin luther king Jr. got shot By a Bad gyu. They put him in a grave (casket) and took him alllll the way Back home. Martin luther king Jr. lived faraway from washintin DC.
"You mite be thinking why he is so speshil and why can't we have a Day off of school on our BrithDay? Martin luther king Jr. want'd to help PeoPle. His Father had the asackt name as him, But he was martin luther king Junyor. Martin luther was a good man."
This was not an assignment for school, she wrote it to preserve what she had learned. I like what she wrote. A transcript follows:
"Martin luther king Jr. was a very good man. They youst to have bad rulse. Brown scin at one school, light scin at the other school. Colrd at one dringking fountin, wite at the other one.
"People codint sit by the People they want'd to sit by. Dark scin at the Back of the Bus; light scin at the front. Martin luther king Jr. wated to make right rulse. He chang'd the rulse so no one was left out. He went to wahntin DC to give his Big long speach. He said in his speach all PeoPle can go in same school; evry one can share a Drinking fountin; PeoPle can sit wereever they want on the Bus.
"Martin luther king Jr. got shot By a Bad gyu. They put him in a grave (casket) and took him alllll the way Back home. Martin luther king Jr. lived faraway from washintin DC.
"You mite be thinking why he is so speshil and why can't we have a Day off of school on our BrithDay? Martin luther king Jr. want'd to help PeoPle. His Father had the asackt name as him, But he was martin luther king Junyor. Martin luther was a good man."
Monday, January 23, 2012
"Aye" of Newt
I'm pretty sure that Newt Gingrich is the offspring of a witch and a frog or--is this too obvious?--a newt. The proof is in his name.
No one outside of the witching world would name their child Newt, let alone have the last name Gingrich, unless they were either a witch or a frog--or a newt. So, it's settled. He is the offspring of a witch (and/or frog or newt).
Also, what else could explain his win in South Carolina? There is no other explanation. He is probably being reprimanded by the Ministry of Magic at this very moment. For, and I quote, "interfering with muggle government institutions." He's already been down this road with the ministry. In the 1990's there was an inquiry--he has not released the records.
The ministry may be a little slow on the uptake though, because they thought that "speaker of the house" meant that he was enchanting houses in order to make them talk, which is acceptable behavior for a guy named Newt in the wizzarding world.
I found a copy of his official bio.
NEWT GINGRICH
Conjurer, Sorcerer, Life of Party
Newt Gingrich was born the son of a witch and a toad in Salem Massachusetts circa 1652. His early years (1652-1975) were spent apprenticing in the underworld where he started as an intern and gradually worked his way up to the title of vice-viceroy of vicery--a prominent position in the underworld's prestigious vice squad.
By the 1970's Newt had begun brewing and selling potions using his own eyes as a key ingredient. His Eye of Newt collection was very popular in the later decades of the 1900's. In the late 1970's, one of these potions was distributed as a wine cooler to the people of Georgia, and Newt was elected to the House of Rep . . . I know what you're thinking, you assume I am about to write "the house of RepTILES." Nope, he was actually elected to the house of repRESENTATIVES. The United States House of Representatives. FYI, he's more amphibian than reptilian.
Anyway, after a nice run as a Representative, where he was "more Bill Clinton than Bill Clinton,"--at least in the bad ways. His supply of Eye of Newt ran out, and he left office.
Later, he used a magical enchantment to convince some old people named Fannie and Freddie to pay him lots of money to tell them what not to do: advice that they refused to take.
He also had several wives who he would cheat on and then divorce, but only after they were diagnosed with life-threatening diseases (ok, to be fair, this only happened twice).
Currently, he is running for POTUS, which along with being the spell that reverses male-pattern baldness also stands for President of the United States. On January 21, 2012, he won a primary election in a state that is famous for mean-spirited politics and starting civil wars.
The End
------------------------------------------------
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If you didn't like it--keep it to yourself.
No one outside of the witching world would name their child Newt, let alone have the last name Gingrich, unless they were either a witch or a frog--or a newt. So, it's settled. He is the offspring of a witch (and/or frog or newt).
Also, what else could explain his win in South Carolina? There is no other explanation. He is probably being reprimanded by the Ministry of Magic at this very moment. For, and I quote, "interfering with muggle government institutions." He's already been down this road with the ministry. In the 1990's there was an inquiry--he has not released the records.
The ministry may be a little slow on the uptake though, because they thought that "speaker of the house" meant that he was enchanting houses in order to make them talk, which is acceptable behavior for a guy named Newt in the wizzarding world.
I found a copy of his official bio.
NEWT GINGRICH
Conjurer, Sorcerer, Life of Party
Newt Gingrich was born the son of a witch and a toad in Salem Massachusetts circa 1652. His early years (1652-1975) were spent apprenticing in the underworld where he started as an intern and gradually worked his way up to the title of vice-viceroy of vicery--a prominent position in the underworld's prestigious vice squad.
By the 1970's Newt had begun brewing and selling potions using his own eyes as a key ingredient. His Eye of Newt collection was very popular in the later decades of the 1900's. In the late 1970's, one of these potions was distributed as a wine cooler to the people of Georgia, and Newt was elected to the House of Rep . . . I know what you're thinking, you assume I am about to write "the house of RepTILES." Nope, he was actually elected to the house of repRESENTATIVES. The United States House of Representatives. FYI, he's more amphibian than reptilian.
Anyway, after a nice run as a Representative, where he was "more Bill Clinton than Bill Clinton,"--at least in the bad ways. His supply of Eye of Newt ran out, and he left office.
Later, he used a magical enchantment to convince some old people named Fannie and Freddie to pay him lots of money to tell them what not to do: advice that they refused to take.
He also had several wives who he would cheat on and then divorce, but only after they were diagnosed with life-threatening diseases (ok, to be fair, this only happened twice).
Currently, he is running for POTUS, which along with being the spell that reverses male-pattern baldness also stands for President of the United States. On January 21, 2012, he won a primary election in a state that is famous for mean-spirited politics and starting civil wars.
The End
------------------------------------------------
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Thursday, January 19, 2012
2012: 10 reasons the world will/ will not end
Continuing with the theme of the last post, I am pleased to present:
Five reasons the world WILL end this year
5. The ever-increasing possibility of a Mormon in the Oval Office.
4. The geese that I saw flying south for the winter this morning were heading north.
3. I have yet to see a rainbow this year.
2. I just washed my car.
1. I haven't seen the movie 2012, but I think its predictions are binding.
Five reasons the world WILL NOT end this year
5. The Earth's destruction is trailing in the polls.
4. Whew! The geese are heading south again.
3. Dr. Doofenshmurts has created a rainbowinator.
2. The Smurfs 2 is scheduled for a 2013 release.
1. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are still Ponyboys of the Applebee's.
------------------------------------------------
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If you didn't like it--keep it to yourself.
Five reasons the world WILL end this year
5. The ever-increasing possibility of a Mormon in the Oval Office.
4. The geese that I saw flying south for the winter this morning were heading north.
3. I have yet to see a rainbow this year.
2. I just washed my car.
1. I haven't seen the movie 2012, but I think its predictions are binding.
Five reasons the world WILL NOT end this year
5. The Earth's destruction is trailing in the polls.
4. Whew! The geese are heading south again.
3. Dr. Doofenshmurts has created a rainbowinator.
2. The Smurfs 2 is scheduled for a 2013 release.
1. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are still Ponyboys of the Applebee's.
------------------------------------------------
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If you didn't like it--keep it to yourself.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Marie (uh) Calendars
Hi. Happy new year, etc.
I've been thinking about the musical The Sound of Music this morning. What if the main character's name was actually Marie? And, what if the song How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? was punctuated as follows?:
"How do you solve a problem like Marie? Uh..." As if the singer of the song was taking a moment to think about it. "...How do you find the word that means Marie? Uh... flibidigibit, uh... will-of-a-wisp, uh...clown?"
Speaking of the name Marie, I miss the Marie Calendars restaurants that closed down last year.
Speaking of calendars and years, does everyone know that according to the Mayans, this year is the last of the years? When they were building the Mayan calender they stopped on December 21, 2012. The only reason that I can think of for a calendar to stop so abruptly is, you know, the end of days. That is the only reason. There is no other explanation. None.
I imagine the manager of the calendar makers coming into the meeting where the design squad was finishing up the blueprints for the new Mayan calendar. It may have gone a little something like this:
Manager: Hey! Nice work, guys...and Xochi. I'll just take this and show it to the Mayan CEO and get his approval on our work.
Designer: Our work?
Manager: Yes, correct. Hey wait! Why does it stop here?
Designer: Um. We figured that sometime between now and a thousand years from now or so we could design a new one that would take over when this one ends.
Manager: Hmm. Well, we'll see what the Senior Leaders say. Why December 21, 2012? Why not just finish out the year? It's like, you know, just adding ten days.
Designer: What is this December you speak of?
Manager: You know, the last month of the year.
Designer: Well, we ended it on the shortest day of the year, which seems like a good day for ending things calendar-wise. It's the first day of winter and all. [looking at other designers] We're in the Norther Hemisphere, right? [they nod] Yeah, I stand by what I just said. So, anyway, you want us to end the calendar ten days after that?
Manager: Yeah, duh. Doesn't everyone do it that way?
Designer: Why would they? It seems really random?
Manager: [passive aggressively] Oh, I guess you're right. It is random. Kind of like scheduling the end of days for the 21st of December, 2012. It's like, pick a day, any day.
Designer: You realize that this calendar holds no special power, right? Just because it ends doesn't mean that there will be no more days.
Manager: Ah, and there is the rub. Without a way to measure them, there can be no days. When days on the calendar end, it will literally be the end of days.
Designer: ...for this calendar, I guess.
Manager: And, if the calendar has no more days, then who am I to have more days?
Designer: Well, you'll be long dead.
Manager: What? Why? Why would you make a calendar that has power to end days and make it outlive me? Are you gunning for my job?
Scene
Happy last New Year. May the impending apocalypse be kind to you and yours, and best wishes for the upcoming end of days!
------------------------------------------------
Did you like it? If so, leave a comment, or--better yet--sign up to follow this 'blog.
If you didn't like it--keep it to yourself.
I've been thinking about the musical The Sound of Music this morning. What if the main character's name was actually Marie? And, what if the song How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? was punctuated as follows?:
"How do you solve a problem like Marie? Uh..." As if the singer of the song was taking a moment to think about it. "...How do you find the word that means Marie? Uh... flibidigibit, uh... will-of-a-wisp, uh...clown?"
Speaking of the name Marie, I miss the Marie Calendars restaurants that closed down last year.
Speaking of calendars and years, does everyone know that according to the Mayans, this year is the last of the years? When they were building the Mayan calender they stopped on December 21, 2012. The only reason that I can think of for a calendar to stop so abruptly is, you know, the end of days. That is the only reason. There is no other explanation. None.
I imagine the manager of the calendar makers coming into the meeting where the design squad was finishing up the blueprints for the new Mayan calendar. It may have gone a little something like this:
Manager: Hey! Nice work, guys...and Xochi. I'll just take this and show it to the Mayan CEO and get his approval on our work.
Designer: Our work?
Manager: Yes, correct. Hey wait! Why does it stop here?
Designer: Um. We figured that sometime between now and a thousand years from now or so we could design a new one that would take over when this one ends.
Manager: Hmm. Well, we'll see what the Senior Leaders say. Why December 21, 2012? Why not just finish out the year? It's like, you know, just adding ten days.
Designer: What is this December you speak of?
Manager: You know, the last month of the year.
Designer: Well, we ended it on the shortest day of the year, which seems like a good day for ending things calendar-wise. It's the first day of winter and all. [looking at other designers] We're in the Norther Hemisphere, right? [they nod] Yeah, I stand by what I just said. So, anyway, you want us to end the calendar ten days after that?
Manager: Yeah, duh. Doesn't everyone do it that way?
Designer: Why would they? It seems really random?
Manager: [passive aggressively] Oh, I guess you're right. It is random. Kind of like scheduling the end of days for the 21st of December, 2012. It's like, pick a day, any day.
Designer: You realize that this calendar holds no special power, right? Just because it ends doesn't mean that there will be no more days.
Manager: Ah, and there is the rub. Without a way to measure them, there can be no days. When days on the calendar end, it will literally be the end of days.
Designer: ...for this calendar, I guess.
Manager: And, if the calendar has no more days, then who am I to have more days?
Designer: Well, you'll be long dead.
Manager: What? Why? Why would you make a calendar that has power to end days and make it outlive me? Are you gunning for my job?
Scene
Happy last New Year. May the impending apocalypse be kind to you and yours, and best wishes for the upcoming end of days!
------------------------------------------------
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If you didn't like it--keep it to yourself.
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