"Aye" of Newt

I'm pretty sure that Newt Gingrich is the offspring of a witch and a frog or--is this too obvious?--a newt.  The proof is in his name.

No one outside of the witching world would name their child Newt, let alone have the last name Gingrich, unless they were either a witch or a frog--or a newt.  So, it's settled.  He is the offspring of a witch (and/or frog or newt).

Also, what else could explain his win in South Carolina?  There is no other explanation. He is probably being reprimanded by the Ministry of Magic at this very moment.  For, and I quote, "interfering with muggle government institutions."  He's already been down this road with the ministry.  In the 1990's there was an inquiry--he has not released the records.

The ministry may be a little slow on the uptake though, because they thought that "speaker of the house" meant that he was enchanting houses in order to make them talk, which is acceptable behavior for a guy named Newt in the wizzarding world.



I found a copy of his official bio.


NEWT GINGRICH
Conjurer, Sorcerer, Life of Party

Newt Gingrich was born the son of a witch and a toad in Salem Massachusetts circa 1652.  His early years (1652-1975) were spent apprenticing in the underworld where he started as an intern and gradually worked his way up to the title of vice-viceroy of vicery--a prominent position in the underworld's prestigious vice squad.

By the 1970's Newt had begun brewing and selling potions using his own eyes as a key ingredient.  His Eye of Newt collection was very popular in the later decades of the 1900's.   In the late 1970's, one of these potions was distributed as a wine cooler to the people of Georgia, and Newt was elected to the House of Rep . . . I know what you're thinking, you assume I am about to write "the house of RepTILES."  Nope, he was actually elected to the house of repRESENTATIVES.  The United States House of Representatives.  FYI, he's more amphibian than reptilian.

Anyway, after a nice run as a Representative, where he was "more Bill Clinton than Bill Clinton,"--at least in the bad ways.  His supply of Eye of Newt ran out, and he left office.

Later, he used a magical enchantment to convince some old people named Fannie and Freddie to pay him lots of money to tell them what not to do: advice that they refused to take.

He also had several wives who he would cheat on and then divorce, but only after they were diagnosed with life-threatening diseases (ok, to be fair, this only happened twice).

Currently, he is running for POTUS, which along with being the spell that reverses male-pattern baldness also stands for President of the United States.  On January 21, 2012, he won a primary election in a state that is famous for mean-spirited politics and starting civil wars.

The End






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