Some Old Jokes

Hey,

I was looking through some old files and found some old jokes that I wrote for a beauty pageant that I MCed many years ago, and I have posted them below. These were meant to be spoken to an audience from a very small town.

Enjoy!


Movie trailers are all the same, the movie could be the least exciting thing in the world and they can make it at least seem exciting.

(in movie trailer voice): “One Man. One Mission. To watch television – all – day – long. This summer Tommy Frankel will take his life to a new level of laziness. The Couch-Potato rated R – some material may not be suitable for people who actually like to do stuff.


Anything sounds exciting when you use that voice:

“Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and this summer, anywhere that Mary is that lamb is sure to go. Baaa, (explosions gunfire) Rated G, some material may not be suitable for adults.




Musicals are making a comeback, Moulin Rouge, Chicago, I heard that there are 12 more musicals in the works. What kind of effect is that going to have on society? We’ve been worried for years about violence, kids acting out what they see on the screen. Just imagine those punks at the Junior Highs and Middle schools singing and dancing.



Sometimes I wish my life was a musical, unfortunately, it’s way too boring. The biggest number of last year would be entitled “Hey I found five bucks in my jacket pocket!”

I haven’t worn this jacket in just about six months,
It’s not because I don’t like the jacket
It just hasn’t been jacket weather
(spoken) let me tell you about what happened when my jacket and I got back together.
It was a moderate day, not too cold or too hot.
Just right in the middle believe it or not.
I knew I’d be outside for the next few hours
The weather report called for intermittent showers.
So I went to my closet and I found an old friend
My jacket from Walmart that was stained with a pen
(spoken) just a little spot.
I pulled the jacket on and put my hand into the pocket
I felt something funny like my tongue was in a socket
(spoken) ok not really like my tongue was in a socket, but pocket’s not an easy thing to rhyme. Can you imagine, (pantomime hand in pocket, tongue in socket)
I pulled out the object from its hiding place
And to my great surprise Abraham Lincoln sat staring me in the face.


Other songs from my life if it were a musical, “Cereal for breakfast,” “Chips, I like Chips,” “Today’s gonna be special, insert date here.” (Take off and inspect glasses) and obviously, “cleaning my glasses.” (begin to clean glasses)


I have been wearing glasses for more than half my life. My whole family wears them, sometimes I wish they were mutes.


Have you ever noticed how movie actors rip off their glasses in intense situations?

“(as if an actor) Situation too intense, must impair vision.”

Or maybe they’re trying to channel some of their seeing ability into their thinking ability. “Situation too intense, must increase thought skills. Not working must impair taste buds (put glasses in the corner of mouth). Still not working, (plug nose) no olefactory sense. Still not able to think clearly enough. (Plug ears) Working, working."

That’s not me at all, if there is an intense situation the last thing I’m going to do is take off my glasses. (pantomime an intense situation hold glasses on to your face) When I take them off and try to see I look like this. (Pantomime you without glasses)





I dislike job interviews, I really am not good at them. My least favorite question, “what is your biggest fault or weakness?”

Why do they ask that, what are you supposed to say to that?

“uhh, I’m lazy.” “I’m really not very smart.”

Brown nosers say things like, “(nerdy voice) I think my biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.”

My answer: “I’m a backseat driver.” or “I don’t eat the crusts on my peanut butter sandwiches—it's just wasteful.”




Then there’s the forms you have to fill out when applying for jobs, I tend to over explain:

Date of birth?

(pantomime writing on a form) “I don’t remember that time in my life. I was busy concentrating on other things. I've been told that my birthday is June 26, 1975, but I don’t remember that either, could be Oct. 5, 1982, for all I know. I know I was around by 1984, because I remember Van Halen’s album 1984, and that BYU won the national championship in football, and that the Olympics were in Los Angeles. Oh and Reagan beat Mondale, and Geraldine Ferraro was the first female Vice-Presidential candidate to run as a male."



You know you’ve been watching too much TV when you wake up reaching for the remote trying to change your dream. “I wanna watch a dream where I’m wearing pants.”




My wife watches “Lifetime, television for women.” How is that network television for women? In every single movie a woman is either beaten or in some other way oppressed. That network should really be called “TV moms from the 80’s oppression Network”


“Meridith Baxter, Judith Light, and Joanna Kerns star in ‘Remember Me?’ on Lifetime television for women.