Re-store-ical Questions: A Storey Storie

What if Walmart only sold walls?
What if Target was constantly being shot at?
What if Costco was a company that only accepted carbon monoxide as payment?
What if Little Caesars only sold small salads?
What if Energy Solutions only made caffeinated eyedrops?
What if the Dress Barn was a place where farm animals go to put on their clothes?
What if Smiths only shod horses?
What if Panda Express only gave train rides to pandas?
What if Del Taco was actually Delta Co, a company that deals with real estate issues in the gulf region?
What if The Dollar Store only sold dollars for a dollar?
What if Dollar General only sold dollars with General George Washington on them?
What if Family Dollar only sold families of dollars (Dad: George Washington; Mom: Susan B. Anthony; Son: JFK; Daughter: Sacajawea; Granddaughter; Sacajawea's papoose)?
What if Trader Joes was actually Traitor Joes and every time you spent money there you were aiding and abetting known enemies of the United States?
What if Subway was an underground train?
What if Reams only sold paper?
What if Zions Bank was a river-front in Israel?
What if Chevron was the offspring of Chevy Chase and Ronald Reagan?
What if Marriott was short for Merry Otter?
What if McDonalds only made Scottish Donalds?
What if Arctic Circle only sold freezing cold rings and spheres?
What if Ross Dress for Less was a place you'd go to see David Schwimmer putting on clothes for Les Moonves?
What if JC Penny only sold coins bearing the likeness of Julius Caesar?
What if Smash Burger only catered to incredible hulks?
What if Jimmy Johns was a place where you go to hurriedly and haphazardly fix toilets?
What if Harmons only sold jokes from Jamaica?
What if Best Buy was actually Best By, an expiration date factory?
What if Barnes and Noble was sitcom about a farmer and an earl?
What if the Apple store only sold macintosh apples and PCs?
What if Sandals Resorts were vacation spots for footwear?
What if Albertsons was an adoption agency for kids named Albert?
What if IBM started out as an attempt by someone named Em to introduce herself?
What if Staples only sold essential food items?
What if there was a coup in the Banana Republic and the representative government was replaced by a dictator, what then?
And, What if Questar Gas was was short for Request Our Gas, and they are waiting by the phone, but nobody calls asking for gas?