Excerpt 1

The following is an excerpt from a series of essays I've been writing about relationships. This is a section on how boys can provide emotional safety for girls. Hopefully it is, at least, amusing, I'd like to hear what you think.


Boys, is your girl sometimes crazy? Of course, they all are. Sometimes crazy is why boys and girls are opposite sexes. It’s sometimes crazy vs. sometimes lazy. Sometimes is not bad; you can handle sometimes. Because sometimes is not often. Sometimes crazy = normal. Often crazy = want to poke your eyes out.

Your girl, like all girls everywhere, needs an occasional meltdown. You do not understand this. It is okay that you don’t understand. You don’t have to understand the science behind nuclear weaponry to know that you don’t want to have one dropped on you. Your girl does not want to drop a bomb on you anymore that you want her to drop a bomb on you. But, if you are not careful, you will force her hand and she will feel that she has no choice but to destroy you.

Again, your girl will occasionally need to melt down. It’s not her fault, she has a lot of hormones and stresses that you do not understand. Again, you do not understand why nuclear weapons work either—it doesn’t matter. She knows she’s melting down, she wonders if she’s crazy (she is not), but she is powerless to stop it. Think of David Banner and his temper-triggered transformation into the Incredible Hulk. Side note: do not refer to your girl as “hulkish.”

Something inside her turns her into something she normally is not. Communication becomes difficult. Her attention to detail increases exponentially. If she were a cartoon, she would turn into a thermometer and her temperature would rise to the top and break the glass, then her eyes would bug out (aoogah!) and steam would gush from her ears like mini horizontal geysers. It can be threatening and scary.

Here’s where it gets dicey. Your instinct, what your brain is programmed to do, is to fight or flee when you sense a threat. Do not do either of those things. Do not ask why your girl is the way she is. A nuclear bomb has no idea why it’s a nuclear bomb.

Think of yourself as the first responder HAZMAT team. You are charged with protecting your girl’s emotional state and when it goes nuclear, you must work to ensure minimum damage and containment. Use the following procedures.

Do:Listen
Offer encouragement
Take her side
Offer your full attention
Take criticism
Adopt appropriate body language
Give her space
Be alert
Be engaged
Be gentle and loving

Don’t:
Offer solutions
Try to make a point
Laugh
Try to multitask (TV, eat, read, scratch)
Criticize
Get comfortable
Suggest she needs space
Fall asleep
Act nonchalant
Say, “you’re cute when you’re angry”

As you are surely aware, you will sense when sense has returned. It is at that time that you can begin to take off your HAZMAT gear. Be tentative at first, careful not to reignite the meltdown. Every girl is different so it will take practice to refine the skill set needed for your girl.

Your ability to facilitate emotional meltdowns at a high level will lead to increased happiness for your girl and for you.Also, your girl needs a safe place to feel things. Emotions like love, joy, sorrow, guilt, happiness, mellowness, peace, mania, fear, calm, excitement, giddiness, grumpiness, jealousy, pride, and passion to name a few. If you are very lucky, you might be that place. Your girl, if she chooses to, can share her emotions with you. She likely has the ability to feel things in ways that you can’t. Living emotionally with her will bring newness to your life.

If you can convince her that you are a safe place to reside emotionally, you will reap the benefits of feeling with her. Unsuppressed, appropriate, emotions felt unapologetically are the real spice of life and when shared they will take two individuals and make them one thing.