It Makes (clap, clap, clap), No Sense (clap, clap, clap)!

I have a confession to make.  Now, I realize that this confession is going to make me look weird, but here goes.  I don't quite get cheerleading.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand what it is: leading cheers, I guess.  Wait, that doesn't sound right, maybe I don't get it or understand what it is.   Who are they leading into cheer?  Maybe it's cheer itself that they are leading, if so, where are they taking it?  Cheersaying, cheergiving, or cheermongering are probably more descriptive titles for what cheerleaders do.  You've got to admit that announcing "the Cheermongers of such-and-such High School" sounds cool.

I'm pretty sure that I do understand cheerleading competitions, where squads compete with other squads by throwing tiny people in the air. That is easier to "get" because it is competition based on other things that we’re used to seeing in competition form, (i.e., gymnastics, dance, acrobatics, and chanting).  Hmmm, excuse me for a moment while I daydream about chanting competitions...



SchmESPN Announcer: Welcome back to SchmESPN’s coverage of this year’s Chanting Competition.

Chanter: Pie jesu domine...

SchmESPN Announcer: (whisper) His form and technique are immaculate.

Chanter: ...dona eis recrefruum pft.

SchmESPN Announcer: Oh, he lost it! Too bad. That’ll cost him the gold.



It’s cheerleading at other sporting events that I don’t quite get. I mean no offense. I have known and really liked lots of cheerleaders. Generally speaking, cheerleaders—at least the former cheerleaders that I am personally acquainted with—are wonderful people. The “mean girl” stereotype that is perpetuated in teen-focused movies and television programs has not held up, in my experience. Still, I don’t understand it. What, exactly, is cheerleading trying to accomplish?

Cheerleaders stand in front of a crowd that has gathered to watch a sporting event. They generally have their backs to the game. They recite simple, repetitive, often ironic, poetry coupled with rudimentary choreography. Then, they jump around kicking and pumping their fists and thrusting their fingers into the air all-the-while wearing, you know, what they wear.

Why?

The most common argument is that they are working to get the crowd excited. Maybe I’m wrong, but isn’t that the game’s job? If the game is exciting then the crowd will be excited. If the game is not exciting, then the crowd will not be excited. This is true no matter how many times the cheer squad asks about the crowd’s collective spirit levels, or if they are ready and okay.

Another argument is that the cheer squad helps to motivate the team. Really? How?  Does asking a player to “rebound that basketball” actually translate into someone rebounding that basketball?  I'm not so sure that it does.



Cheer squad: Rebound that basketBALL!

Player: Wait, what did they say?

Cheer squad: Rebound that basketBALL!

Player: Oh yeah. I forgot. I should rebound that basketball.

Cheer squad: Yay!



If we have to have cheerleaders at all (yes, I said IF), I would like to go back to the original cheerleading—the kind from the 1920s where one guy was selected and given a sweater with a letter on it, which he wore with a bow tie and slacks. He was also issued an old-timey megaphone, through which he’d shout in a nasally, monophonic voice as he’d run up and down the stands expounding the virtues of fighting and winning and the stock market never crashing.



Old-timey cheerleader: We’re gonna fight, see?

Crowd: Hurrah!

Old-timey cheerleader: We’re gonna win, see?

Crowd: Hurray!

Old-timey cheerleader: The stock market is strong and a good place to put all of your money, see?

Crowd: HeeHaw!



Maybe this critique is a bit harsh. No doubt it takes talent to be a cheerleader. You have to have rhythm, a good memory, a positive attitude, some amount of athletic ability, etc. And, cheerleading provides an activity that beautiful people can participate in (something this world is in short supply of).

So, in order to help me better understand cheerleading, I have penned a cheer. Feel free to use it any time you or your team needs motivation and excitement.



Ready? O-Kay!

Schmelta is the team!

The team that has enough!

Enough of the right stuff!  (Enough of the right stuff!)

Stuff to illicit screams!

Screams from other teams!

Those teams need salves and creams!  (those teams need salves and creams)

Creamed is just about right!

Last rights!

It’s over goodnight.



I still don’t get it.