Shirt Stories

I just got an email from Nordstrom entitled, "Easy Ways to Wear Colorful Shirts."  I feel out of the loop, because I did not know that wearing colorful shirts was difficult.  I assume I'm not the only one who is just now been made aware of this.


To help spread the word, I have created the following list:


10 reasons that colorful shirts can be hard to wear.


1. Sleeves and neck holes.


2. Buttons.  Buttons can be difficult to fasten, especially in the dark and without a mirror.  If just one button gets misaligned--and you don't notice--you end up looking like a drunk, or a 3-year-old, or a 3-year-old drunk.


3. Shirts and Skins.  The historical animosity between shirts and skins is well documented.  Have you ever heard of the phrase "Shirts and Skins" used in a non-competitive setting?  Well, have you?  Answer the question!  That's right, you haven't.  The following exchange never happens, Guy 1: "Hey, your shirts look good!" Guy 2: "Thanks! So do your skins!"  Ok, maybe there was a Tailor/Trapper shop in the 1800's where that exchange happened, but not recently.


4. Desire to go shirtless. Hot days can make certain people want to take off their shirts.  These people, the shirtless, are almost always male, and they suffer from something.  We do not know what that something is.  Science doesn't care to get close enough to find out.  Needless to say, it is hard to wear shirts when your shirt is off.


5. Lack of Service.  Without a shirt, coupled with shoes, there is no service.  There is never any mention of pants on those warning signs.


6.  Lousy T-shirts.  Sometimes your parents go to a nice vacation spot and all you get is this lousy T-shirt.


7. Shakespearean angst.  To tuck, or not to tuck: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The breeze and airflow of out-hanging tails,

Or to take arms to slide said tail into trouser,

And by opposing end them? 

SIDE NOTE: You may have noticed that up to now this list is less about colorful shirts and more about shirts in general.  This is because all shirts have color as a major component.  Allow me to illustrate:


A guy walks into a, um, bar, I guess, wearing a white shirt and someone asks, "what color is your shirt?"  His reply, "it is white."  He does not reply, "it has no color."  So, if even white shirts--the least colorful of shirts--have a definable color, then all shirts must be defined as having color.  Ergo, all shirts are colorful (i.e., full of color).  However, I would now like to list 3 difficulties of wearing shirts of specific color.

8. Red shirts attract bulls.

9. Camouflage shirts are hardly seen at all, and when they are seen they make you look like an idiot (unless they are part of a uniform, in which case you look awesome.  USA, USA!). 

10. I am a Winter, and there are certain colors that I just can't wear.  No matter how easy Nordstrom makes it for me.